Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in ce11's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, July 1st, 2008
10:55 pm	i always thought i'd eventually see past your false promises. because they are just exactly that. they say actions mean more than words. clearly they've never said it to you. because you claim to feel what you say but what you do is quite the opposite be with me or be without me but don't linger in the middle because in between means you can't decide which direction is best and indecision is never where we should be let's just stay in all day and pass judgement about others after all, it is what we do best together go on they've all been waiting for you to leave and i will always be begging you to stay (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 29th, 2008
11:30 pm	cutting away the past i never thought i'd become one of 'them' one of the people you hear about being spoken in hushed voices "she always is wearing long sleeves" says one to another if only they could see the truth but trying to define what i spend my days covering is nothing they would understand she's got friends, a job, money, people who claim to care but it's the lack of a warm touch at 1 am that keeps me from waking up it's the sense of making the irrational seem like the best idea because it takes the pain away from now when the future isn't even up for debate i tried my best to smile when i knew they were looking i tried my best to put on a show but when they weren't around, i was alone sitting in that shower with the water running slower than my tears were falling it wasn't thought out it wasn't like i planned to reach that state but i did i did it quick and effortless as if it were my real release but it was and it is no one understands unless they themselves share the same scars it made perfect sense words could not express how hard getting up in the morning had come to be but when that hot blade hit my wet skin the world finally made sense and i in that moment, i forever became one of them (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 25th, 2008
6:27 pm	in desperate need of a catholic release i really thought you'd call. i sat around all day staring and checking my phone to make sure i didn't somehow miss it. but you didn't. i would have met you anywhere. you knew how much it meant to me. i shouldn't be feeling like this today-this is the one day we all get to be selfish. and yet, it will never be about me. i can honestly say that you are one of the few boys that has gotten the best of me. i just didn't think you wanted that as an accomplishment. me now and me then are completely different people and you were there when everything happened. it didn't seem to phase you and i always loved that. but you have this amazing ability to keep me hanging on. you have me swearing that i'm done over and over, only to receive a text or call and i'm back right where we started. i asked you to not say things you didn't mean-you vowed you weren't. i just wish you meant them for longer than in those brief moments. i feel safe with you. i let you take care of me. these are both things i don't do. i let you in. you let me down. always claiming that people just see too much in you. i just thought you'd want to change. that i was enough. becasue dammit, the way you'd look at me, i honestly thought you cared. you're a book full of contradictions. i hope i was never one. all i really know is that i miss you. that i still get upset when you don't want to talk to me. how you can not want to. and then you just pretend like nothing has happened because all of sudden, you miss me. i just wish you missed me more. i'm not sure what to do here. i guess i'm just not enough. but i am. and i refuse to convince you of that. you should see it and be overwhelmed by it. you hooked me. i still miss you among all the shit. i can't help it. maybe i just see who you will be one day. maybe that's the allure. all i know anymore is that i'm probably saying way too much. these are all things i wanted to tell you today. i needed to get this out. i can't keep getting upset about things with you if i never told you. i guess now you know. (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 7th, 2008
11:56 pm	I hate that I'm simply your replacement And that you are always reminding me How many times will she fool you? you'll always rely on the benefit of a doubt Whose fault is it this time? Because the only thing she's changed are her clothes Man the girl can put on an act That makes you want to fall at her feet With sarcasm and designer jeans as her armor, she'll make you feel like you're not like the others The others that have nothing nice to say Not because they are bitter, but because its the truth I pray that you dont become a product of that truth but see her teachings starting to take action Its sad to see your tradgedy of a once honest man The type of boy you're mother used to be proud of That kind of person who has only the honest of intentions Complete with Everything she's so desperate to find But Now the kind who is obsorbed in physical acts, lies, and hopes of what you should be One thing is for sure, no one will hear y you cry this time Because let's face it, now theres no one to blame Its your own damn fault (Comment on this)
Monday, April 21st, 2008
12:44 pm	change. it carries a weird euphoria. i thrive on it. when things get to where i have to make rash decisions to prove my feelings, i always chose to disapear. it's easy. it's true. it's everything but being beside you. you say people believe in you more then they should. you say people give you more credit then you would. and i continually say to people, "if only he would..." my actions are legit. again, i'm left to pick up my own pieces. i'm tired of writing aboiut heartbreak. about missed chances. i'm ready for change. and for that weird euphoria. this is me taking it into my own hands. if you can't see me, you'll miss me. so i'm closing your door. hoping that you'll soon follow because you're lost. let's be lost. atleast, i know where to find yo. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008
10:04 pm	now is the time of reflection. after the act that showed me my worst, i have words to express how exactly that night went inside my head. these marks on my arms show what my words could not-the truth. it was the weirdest release-the feeling of seeing your emotional pain in a physical way. the most rational act in the most irrational moment. and now i'm being categorized. because it's easier to deal with truths and definitions than with abstract thoughts and ideas. truths are real-we can define them. there's no question as to how describe them. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 4th, 2008
12:48 am	2125 miles from this sunny state to your front door these mountains are beautiful from above the clouds we could have been an example of that type of perfection one where people could stop and admire the view i'm sorry that i'm not you're type and i'm sorry that that's the excuse you tell yourself so you can fall asleep at night next to her you claim to be creative so let's see your best work you also claim to love someone you don't know go ahead, tell me her story or atleast the patchwork version that one could learn in a few months time it's easy to confuse lust with love especially when clothes are removed our eyes become more blurred to the truth (Comment on this)
12:40 am	chivalry always looks good on paper is it too much to say for someone to see the real me i'm a catch don't you see? there's so much more to our fake existence of a reality are we just bedroom buddies? or southern bound? tennessee sounds sweeter now then it ever did because i'd be running to or away from you i'm not sure how to voice how i feel do i wait for weeks to add up? you kiss me good bye with the sweetest affections you lie with me with the best intentions if i've said it once, i've said it a hundred times don't say things you don't mean and we'll be where we need to be together, for once take a chance because if you're afraid to fall, then i'm scared of heights grab my hand and just don't look down and count to 3. (Comment on this)
12:35 am	there's a reason why crazy has a ca sound..just like your first name i told people that we were for life even to manys dismay and disagreement i spoke of you always in the best light can you say the same? our trip to the cabin reminds me of the better times the car ride reminds me of the trueness of our situation almost sending me to my worst that hour long drive taught me what you truly were and the radio will always play that one song entirely too loud as long as i'm around he'll never make oyu happy they'll never make you happy because you will never be happy and that makes me happy for life is longer than we think it could be especially when one more day seems like an enternity take those pills they'll cover it all up for you but one day, you'll realize you're one hell of a victim one with no real story of victimization just victims of your story (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 5th, 2008
8:33 pm	call me a tiny dancer tip toeing around unspoken feelings what can i say? they got the best of me they took my breath away and made you wonder if i was even close to being ok i put that face on for everyone but you (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 17th, 2008
12:14 am	it's the weirdest feeling. the feeling called relief. after not getting what i ultimatley wanted, i still feel as if something was accomplished. i said how i felt, after months of the grey area. and that's alli can do personally. i'm moving on. i'm seeing on. i'm being myself past you. don't worry, my words will hit you hard soon. and i'll wait. but not for very long. because what you don't value or notice, he will. what you don't see as attractive, he will. he'll see everything you don't and everything you were too afraid to see. you make me afraid in the best way possible but fate has a way of playing the upper hand when confusion is all we see at that moment. yes, i was confused. now, i'm enlightened. she'll never be me. and for that, i'm thankful. we'll never be. and for that, i'm hopeful. because every minute i continue to waste on you, is one i could spend on him. so time will play a factor. race against the clock if you will. because this time, it's on my terms. it's on my feelings. it's on what i want. and i won't settle for grey area. thank yu confusion. because doubt always means don't. (Comment on this)
Monday, January 7th, 2008
10:14 pm	i believe in the thought of love. but just like anything else unproven, i lack the faith. there's no real proof. atleast, none i've ever seen. all my eyes have been graced with are heartbreak upon disapointment. time spent with unfilled promises. time wasted with thoughts of what could be. it seems like optimism plays more of a role than emotions or feelings. go ahead, bring your a game. be the 6th player in. the crowds expecting you to shine. i know better than to have expectations you don't meet. so go ahead. she'll fall for your sloppy seconds of an effort for love. originality is the reason i won't be her. she lacks what i've already mastered. smiles are faked. words aren't worth meaning. you'll see. trust me, you'll see. (Comment on this)
12:09 am	being more is hardest when no one notices i can't take it. i can't be without you. you make me irresponsible in the most responsible way. you've got me in a place i've never been. you've got my attention, heart, and tears. i'm more. i'm more. i'm so much more. i'm falling down an endless hole i know i can't be rescued from. we're right, just not right now. our time we'll come, i know. but telling your heart to wait is the hardest part. i hate your tattoos. i hate your stupid piercing. i hate everything that i love about you. my gaze is straight through you. no need to fake what you feel. i want you, i'm just not exactly sure how. you are my future, so where is my right now? one to cure this boredom until that sweet day comes. i'm more. i'm more. i'm so much more. our differences will add up to similarities in the end. they'll get over it. they'll see you like i do. with crossed fingers and a hopeful outlook, i'll show you my past. you're making me into who i need to be. i'm more. i'm more. i'm so much more. (Comment on this)
12:05 am	nothing seems right nothing feels ok because it's the thought you left lingering in my head at night on paper, we look impossible in other's eyes, too different to compare (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 22nd, 2007
9:30 pm	throw those words around like they have no real meaning after all you've said them so many times they've lost their worth 2 weeks ago i was confused faced with a decision i didn't want to make all our reasons didn't involve you or i but put us in our right place because you couldn't be directed to a place you didn't want to go i can guarentee that another city won't let you forget my face will be everywhere and i'll promise that you'll regret for you lacked the words and i gave too much emotion (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 17th, 2007
11:37 pm	so which ones going to win this time around? my head or my heart it's a constant battle between sensibility and the center of gravity because i'll think before i fall analyze before i love (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 15th, 2007
3:48 pm	lonely is the way of me always wondering when that'll change i'll admit it, i'm no picture of perfection but i've got something besides unused affection i deserve thought out words i deserve acts that show you care i deserve you not knowing when to stop your stare because that's what i'm giving to you my heart tells me to stay my head tells me to leave when do you learn to not see the sky in a charcoal grey? originality keeps me coming reality makes me remain i'm more than what you see i should never have to prove what i am to you because you should know better than i do (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 16th, 2007
1:34 pm	everything is changing all at the hands of mine everything is changing and i don't know waht to do when you touch me, i can't think straight when we laugh, it all just floats away but the fact still remains i miss her i miss them i miss you she gets her way she always does her beauty charms them her wits make them stay was i simply just a number? i'll do anything to not become a washed up cliche you told me you'd never leave you told me you'd stick around we both are looking for disaster loving the heart breaking sounds (Comment on this)
Monday, August 27th, 2007
12:27 am	it happened again i'm wide awake at 3 i guess i'm love's ongoing casulty begging for a different tomorrow one without heartache and sorrow daddy left way too soon momma was never really there both never wanting to admit what was lingering in the air always leaving me alone in a crowded room zip up your hoody on an august day hiding what you want the world to feel you forearms take the blame and are the proof of how you still aren't healed (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 22nd, 2007
10:36 pm	who you gonna run to now? after all, you've pushed everyone with worth away who you gonna run to now? im too far away to hear you're heart breaking never once did i think i'd be avoiding your calls never once would i believe you'd be the last person i'd want to see all at once these feelings have confronted me realizing you're better from far away the sick feeling i'm getting won't go away what i thought couldn't be true is now my reality the person i trusted the most would never follow through and only wanted me for today jokes and tears boys and fears (Comment on this)